Divorce: Conquered
For the vast majority of my life I peered out at the world in grave fear that somewhere along the way I’d get a divorce (from a man), and/or not be able to bear my own children. Interestingly, I never actually wanted to be pregnant, and still find the whole necessity (for life, not women) very unpleasant, and just not my cup of tea. And, the general idea of taking care of a man in the way that I had intended for myself, seemed like the most repulsive undertaking I could think up. But the idea of failing at it, or not achieving it at all felt petrifying and outweighed my lack of desire to actually be a good wife. I believed so badly that marrying a man and birthing his children were the only ways I could achieve true happiness that I willfully ignored how much I clearly didn’t want to complete these assignments. If only I knew what I know now, back then...what a novel thought.
In October of 2020 I I conquered the divorce fear when I left my husband shy of just one year of marriage; wedded bliss, it was not. And while I was clearly at a very low place to choose a partner like him; one that chose to treat me with contempt and carelessness, there was something in me telling me I had worth that was worth living for. I truthfully didn’t know what that worth was as I didn’t really know myself very well at that point, but I had the words of the folklore story La Loba in my head, and enough conviction in my heart to know that I needed to leave my husband and find, build, and love myself.
But why would such a confident, smart woman like myself (I was anything but confident at the time) marry someone who treated her so poorly in the first place? It has a lot to do with following societal instructions, familial, and even Disney’s examples, and learning that I should value men more than I ever valued myself, even though I didn’t realize I was doing this. And, lastly, believing that my love could and was intended to fix, patch, and heal a man.
While I was withering away in my marriage, I was terrified that in leaving it I would cease to exist. As it turns out, I was right. That woman who accepted stale crumbs disguised as love, who put others' comfort before hers, and who unknowingly upheld the patriarchy, is dead and gone. She has fallen to pieces and disintegrated into the nothingness that she always was.
Am I a victim of the Patriarchy? Of Toxic Masculinity? Of misogyny? Thoroughly-- we all are. But, we aren’t just casualties of the toxicity; we are survivors, and we will never stop resisting, defending and fighting for our equality, safety, and our right to love freely. I have come out on the other side of one of my biggest fears more myself, more in love with myself, my life, and my future than I truly ever knew was possible. I can’t believe I can actually say I’m proud to be divorced. I didn’t just divorce a person—I divorced mindsets, narratives, ideals, toxicity, compulsory heterosexuality, and upholding the patriarchy, but most of all—I divorced putting others above, and before myself.
Most of the time it’s actually true that your best self is just on the other side of your greatest fears.
So, my love, what are your greatest fears? Let’s get to conquering….
xx - Nic