Allyship: How to Support Someone Coming Out Later In Life
Hi! Thanks so much for taking the time to read this blog about supporting a loved one who has come out later in life. My name is Nicole, and I’m the host of the The Late Bloomers Clvb podcast, and I came out as a lesbian just a year ago at the ripe age of 34.
If you’re here it’s likely for one of three reasons:
Someone you love has come out and you’re looking for info on how you can best support them
Someone you love sent this blog post to you and asked that you read it
Or you’re a regular follower of the podcast and you’re looking for tips to share with those in your circle who desire to be better allies.
Either way, thanks so much for being here and making the time to prioritize the Queer person in your life. And please feel free to share this blog far and wide so we can make this world a more loving place for all Queer folks!
Before I came out I hadn’t realized I was a lesbian, and since that realization so much has changed in my life for the better. But the process of coming out to myself, and others has been anything but easy. Some of the folks in my life responded with nothing but love, and they continue to support me and love me just as they did before I came out. But for others it hasn’t been such a simple transition, and that has put a strain on these relationships, of which I don’t think anyone is truly happy about! I really wish they had learned how to be a good ally, and while I did my best to guide them, sometimes it’s incredibly hard to get through to people that we are so close to, and we have an easier time processing the same information from a source we aren’t as connected with, which is what inspired be to create this guide, .
Coming out is of the scariest things a person can do in this world, especially if that person came out later in their life. If someone you know has trusted you with this information, I want you to have the tools to support your loved one through this scary time, and in the future too because this world does not make it easy for Queer folks to simply exist, let alone feel safe, and welcomed.
So why is coming out later in life so hard? Let’s think about it.
Heterosexuality is seen as the norm, which sends the message to Queer folks that being a Queer person isn’t “normal”. Mainstream culture and society does not do a good job of including Queer folks in their spaces, and media. And Queer rights are under constant attack by the dominating religions, and an entire political party (in the United States).
On top of that, we’ve established our entire lives. And some of us even have spouses and children to consider. Coming out doesn’t only mean to share our truth with others–it means to accept ourselves in a world that hasn't made that easy, and then soon after we accept ourselves, we are tasked with upending our entire lives and starting completely anew. We risk losing loved ones, we risk being ostracized, we risk threats of physical harm—we truly risk losing everything. And you may be thinking well then why risk it at all? Well sometimes the pain of living a lie is worse than the pain of living in our truth and risking losing everything. Queerness is not a choice and if we ask Queer folks to hide their queerness for our comfort, we are asking them to not exist. This is not love—we know that much.
So, we’re scared to be Queer in a world that hasn’t embraced Queer folks, and we’re scared to lose our entire lives. Which is exactly why your love and support during this time is paramount to your loved one and the connection you share. When someone comes out to you, you have the ability to make them feel safe and loved, or you have the ability to make them feel ashamed and unlovable, in a world that has likely already sent them that message.
Now, do we need to understand someone who has come out later in life to be able to support them? Absolutely not! If to provide support we had to understand every single person that we know, we’d all be islands unto ourselves. We do not need to understand why someone came out later in life to be a kind and loving person to them, but we do need to understand that Queerness is not a choice.
And while we have been taught that sexuality is black and white and gender is within a binary, that’s just not true, whether we understand it or not. Some people are 100% straight, some people are 100% gay, but most people fall somewhere in between. Some folks like to use identifiers like bisexual, and gay and others chose to use only Queer because Queer is a broad term that provides more freedom to exist anywhere on the spectrum of sexuality, and gender as well. And Gender, despite what we have been taught, is not narrowed down to man and woman. Gender is a spectrum that is not defined solely by our anatomy. I can certainly say more, but I’d like to stop you from trying to go any further with your desire to understand Queerness–because again your understanding is not the most important part of this, your love and support are, so let’s focus on how we can be the most loving and supportive ally for the person or people in your life that truly need it.
So now that you’ve got a little bit of an understanding of why we’re here, Let’s get into the do’s and the dont’s of Queer Allyship.
When someone comes out to you, the best possible thing you could offer them is your ear, your shoulder and your heart. Listen. Remember how difficult this is for them, and respond with the kindness you’d offer anyone that shared something personal and important with you.
When someone comes out to you they’re saying “this is me, this who I am, I love you, will you continue loving me?”
Let them know that you love them, and that There's nothing they could do to change that. And that you will be there for them in any way you can to make this life transition easier on them. Thank them for sharing something so personal and difficult with you. Remember–if you are being trusted with such important information, you are privileged, and you’re loved by the person sharing their truth with you. When someone comes out to you they’re saying “this is me, this who I am, I love you, will you continue loving me?” Even if you don’t understand, do whatever you have to do to say yes.
Let them know that you’re there if they’d like to share anything anymore with you. And, if you feel up for it offer to assist them in coming out to mutual loved ones. Coming out is not something Queer people do once. Heterosexuality is the default, so since everyone assumes straightness, Queer people are always in situations where they have to explain who they are to others. And sometimes, we really don’t want to have to tell every single person in our immediate circle, so if they’d like you to help by sharing with specific family members, or friends, consider supporting them in this way. And sometimes, we don’t want certain people to know so do not share this information with anyone unless you have received explicit permission to do so.
When someone comes out to you, don’t make it about you because it’s not. No one, not even our children exist for our comfort or our happiness so when someone shares their queerness with you, the focus should not move to how you feel about it, or how it’s going to affect your life. Remember, when someone comes out to you they’re asking you to continue to love them, they’re not asking how you feel about them being who they are.
Do not tell them how hard their life is going to be now. They already know that, and they don’t need to hear it from you. People don’t just take a day and decide to come out–typically it’s a process that takes months to years. So trust that your loved one has had plenty of time to contemplate all that they have to fear moving forward in their life.
Do not ask them pointed and personal questions that center your need to understand them over their comfort in this trying moment.
Do not suggest that this is a phase, or that if they just meet the right girl or guy they’ll go back to being straight.
Don’t tell them they’re just confused about their gender–just trust them that they know who they are.
while we don’t need to understand Queer folks to support them, knowing the struggles they face will absolutely help us to be a more well-rounded ally who can make a deeper, more positive impact.
Ask if there’s anything specific you can do to be there for them. Maybe they’d like you to come to a Queer centered event, or meet their new partner. But they might also not feel comfortable asking anything of you so consider taking Allyship into your own hands. Maybe you could read a book about the history of the Queer rights movement. Maybe you could take an online class to learn about pronouns. Maybe you speak up in support of the LGBTQ+ community on social media to show your loved one you want them and others to know where you stand. Understand that LGBTQ+ history is history, and we should all make it our business to know our history. And while we don’t need to understand queer folks to support them, knowing the struggles they face will absolutely help us to be a more well-rounded ally who can make a deeper, more positive impact.
As time passes and you become more connected to the LGBTQ+ community through your loved one, you will find so many organic and necessary ways that you can show up as an ally to the entire Queer community, and you will likely grow to embrace queer culture because there is so much love to be found here. Queerness is intersectional meaning that it is our culture to care and look out for other marginalized folks. It is Queer culture to desire liberation for all, which is certainly a plus for you, even if you’re not in a marginalized group.
Here are some ways you can show your loved one you support them and LGBTQ+ community:
Make sure you vote in support of the LGBTQ+ community both locally and nationally.
Add your pronouns to your email signature. In doing so you’ll make trans folks feel more seen, and you will also impart the message onto others that gender is not something we should assume about someone based on their name, or how we perceive them.
And while it’s not a requirement, consider donating funds to a Queer non-profit or directly to a Queer person who is suffering from financial struggles. People in the LGBTQ+ experience an income gap and finding jobs, especially for black and brown trans folks. Because of this, so many Queer folks end up on the streets or in unsafe living situations. There are currently no federal programs to specifically assist trans and Queer youth which means so many of them are left on the streets with no resources.
If you are in a position to include Queer folks in the spotlight, offer it to them. If you coordinate community events, see if any Queer artists or vendors want to be involved. Understand that access doesn’t equal inclusion. Because Queerness is not the mainstream norm, it can be hard for Queer folks to break out into new spaces. This is also a great reason to support Queer artists and business owners who are less visible to the masses.
Now, While we are focused on folks who have come out later in life, I feel compelled to include this suggestion just in case anyone listening is also a parent. And I should also mention that all of the advice offered in this episode can be utilized to support someone coming out at a younger age, however that experience will naturally include additional, and different ways to show up as an ally. If you are a parent who suspects their child is queer consider talking to them about it. This is not the typical approach–I am sure you’ve heard or seen at least one story where a child comes out to their parents and their parents say “oh, we knew all along!” And I think we’ve all come to look at those stories as sweet, But I beg to differ.
If we know that this world is not an inviting, safe or easy place for queer folks to exist, we also know how hard it can be for them to find the courage to confide their truth in us. So why would it be a good idea to leave them wondering if they’ll have your love, when they’re likely already scared about how the entire world is going to react them? Queerness is not something to be ashamed of, so letting the topic lie and allowing your child to come out to you years and years later seems a little unnecessarily cruel. Children want to confide in their parents about gossip, about crushes, about heartbreak, and about who they are. If a child is too scared to share who they are with you, and you don’t approach them on the subject, then both of you could miss out on so many important moments in your relationship.
I know this can be scary. But trust that is scarier for your loved one. And trust that they know who they are—Queer people are people. Respect us just as you would anyone else.
Thank you so much for taking the time to learn how to be a loving and supportive Ally to your newly out Queer loved one. If you have any questions on how to support your loved one who has come out to you, feel free to send me an email at latebloomersclvb@gmail.com and I will try to provide any advice and resources that may be helpful. And I, again, ask that you Please share this post with your family and friends in an effort to create more, and better allies for the entire Queer community.